


"Trop beau".

by EmyLilas



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/F, F/M, Frenchsong, Friendship, Goodbyes, In which Derek really is a good man, Lomepal, Los Angeles, Missing opportunities, Really small incursion into Private Practice, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-01-25 14:47:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21357958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmyLilas/pseuds/EmyLilas
Summary: Based on the French song "Trop beau" by Lomepal.The complex story of Addison Montgomery and Meredith Grey, from how everything started to how it ends.First, it was over with Derek, she left the trailer and moved to LA ; it could have stopped there. But she went back and everything changed from the exact moment Meredith laid her eyes on her after all this time without seeing her.
Relationships: Meredith Grey & Alex Karev, Meredith Grey & Cristina Yang, Meredith Grey & Derek Shepherd, Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery
Comments: 20
Kudos: 69





	1. How they found their way to each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Here is my first fanfiction for the Grey's Anatomy world. I know Addison and Meredith were, in the show, nothing like what I described there but still, I think they could have done something cool together.  
Some moments there follow the usual course of Grey's Anatomy but most of them don't. It is a very free use of Shonda's show based on Lomepal's song "Trop beau".  
Of course, I don't own the characters or the song, just this idea.  
I hope you'll love it. 
> 
> One last thing, English is not my first language so there may be mistakes I didn't see, don't hesitate to tell me but please, try to be indulgent! 
> 
> Enjoy reading!

J'avais jamais vu de nuit aussi calme  
_ Je la regarde enchaîner les cigarettes  
_Ses larmes coulent en silence on entend toujours les cigales. / 

_ I've never seen such a calm night. I'm looking at her smoking cigarettes on cigarettes,  
her tears are silently running down her cheeks while we're still hearing the cicadas song. _

When Derek arrived at the trailer Addison was sitting outside. Of course she was, he knew how much she hated this place. And to be fair, he had to admit it might be the reason why he kept refusing to leave this place. Some part of Mcdreamy wanted the adulterous wife to pay. He wanted Addison to suffer as much as him. After all, she put them through all of this. She was the one who's been cheating. He just forgot to mention his wife to his new girlfriend. His "_ perfect twelve years old _" as broken doctor Montgomery kept calling her. 

"_ I had no idea you liked smoking _.

She took a deep breath: _ -That makes us even. I guess I juste needed something. I hate it. I hate smoking _ . And after a long pause, she added : _ I don't know why I keep doing that. _

Derek raised his shoulders as he sat next to her : _ -Then you just have to stop. There is no point in smoking if you don't enjoy it. I mean I guess… _

She stared, silent first, then :_ -I am not talking about smoking, Derek. But you have a point. Why should I keep fighting for your love when you don't even love me anymore? Maybe you were right. Maybe I am just the adulterous wife to you. _

_ -Meredith wasn't a fling. _Was the only thing Derek could say, he blamed himself for that.

_ -I know. And I wasn't the love of your life, and I don't do smoking. See? Sometimes, things happen. Most of the time, shit happens. _

Derek moved closer: _ -Addie _…

-_ Don't Addie me. _ She stood up. _ The night was so calm Derek. No rush, no worries. But we're both tired of fighting for something that is pointless." _

And tears rolled down her perfect white cheeks. But she didn't seem to notice them. Addison Montgomery was brilliant. Addison Montgomery was beautiful. Addison Montgomery was a lot of things and among all, she cared about her dignity. Not because she cared about what people might think – she had learnt not to – but because she couldn't handle being broken. Addison Montgomery couldn't handle her sorrow. She was strong. She was proud. And she didn't want to face her sadness. So the tears kept rolling down and she kept ignoring them. Maybe she was going to miss this trailer after all. She weakly smiled at the thought.

"_ Are we over, Addison? _ She just nodded. _ Is this really going to be how we end? _ She kept nodding. _ I thought it would have been different. _

She stopped him: -_ Don't make it any harder than it already is. _ Addison fired her last cigarette of the night. _ At least now, we get to be friends. _

_ -Friends, right. _ He sighed. _ I am sorry, Addison. I should have been completely honest with you. _

_ -You have been honest, Derek. You told me you wanted to try. It didn't work. I just don't want us to be miserable trying to fix something which is too broken to be fixed. _ Her free hand rested on his shoulder. _ Don't break her, Derek. She's worth fighting for. _"

Those were her final words. And then she left. She left him, she left Seattle. She moved to LA. She needed a fresh start. She deserved a fresh start.

***

On se blesserait même avec zéro mot  
Pourtant aucun mur sur cette terre  
Ne pourrait étouffer le cri de nos phéromones/ 

We would still hurt each other even without talking   
but there's no wall on this ground that could muffle  
the noises of our pheromones. 

Every single person of this hospital knew they didn't need words to hurt each other. They didn't even need to act. No really, staring at each other was enough for them: they could be standing in the very opposite of the hallway but it didn't matter, their looks were so intense and so furious they could both feel the burning sensation on their skin. "_ Why is Addison Montgomery back to Seattle Grace? _ " asked Derek to his chief. He stared at her, standing in the corner of the secretaries desk, talking with Bailey. Her eyes were looking over the little woman, her eyes were burning him and he could feel his violent desire for the redhead. " _ Why is Mchot not in LA anymore? _" Asked Cristina to her worried best friend as they got down the stairs. She just raised her shoulders not knowing what to say. And it happened again, their love triangle.

Derek had seen Meredith coming. She stopped as she got down of the last step, staring at his ex wife. Derek had seen Meredith getting silent as she realised Addison Montgomery was standing in the same room than her. And Derek started to wonder why his girlfriend wasn't even looking at him. Derek started to wonder why Meredith couldn't take her eyes off of the very beautiful Ob-gyn. Maybe she was worried he would be tempted to go to her again. Maybe she was wondering why could have brought her back to Seattle. He was just wondering the same. 

They didn't need words to hurt each other. And Derek was miles away from the truth. Meredith was staring because Meredith was feeling something she had tried very hard to push away. Addison was standing there and Meredith couldn't stop thinking about what she would like to tell her. It was strange feeling this way for her boyfriend's ex-wife. But something had happened between them when they were working together. Something had happened when Addison had told her she didn't hate her. Addison had thought she wouldn't remember all of this. Well, at first she didn't. But then, bribes of conversation started to resurface and Meredith finally came to remember this moment they shared. Addison didn't hate her, she hadn't be lying, that was purely sincere: Addison didn't hate her. And Meredith couldn't have hated her either, how could have she? 

It was well-known and it was true. They didn't need words to hurt each other. Addison herself was very well aware of that. And maybe it was the reason why she wasn't listening to Miranda anymore. "_ Addie! You're back! _" Said Callie as she saw her good friend. And Addie nodded mentally wondering why on earth she accepted to come back. Derek was staring at her. And Meredith was staring at her. And literally everyone was staring at her. And she knew she wasn't feeling quite well at the moment. Addison turned pale and people noticed. She was lost. Derek was staring, wondering why she was there. And Meredith was staring and that was very disturbing, it was all Addison could think. Meredith's eyes were stuck on her and she didn't know why. Derek was staring at her and then stared at Meredith. God… they really didn't need words to hurt each other. 

Later in the day, the three of them were reunited in the same room, silently looking at their patient's scan. The door was closed, no one was staring anymore. They didn't need words to hurt each other. Addison was standing between Meredith and Derek. She was standing in the way of their full happiness. Derek could feel his burning desire for Addison. But Addison's desire for her ex-husband was off. And Meredith was confused. Cristina entered the room. No one said a word. No greeting, no look. She stood by her best friend who kept staring at the scans. "_ You, people, are so weird. _ " But they didn't mind and she had no answer. So she looked at the scans feeling this odd tension in the room. And she realised. A flash of understanding lightened her usually emotionless face: the atmosphere was weird because something was happening. Derek was consumed by desire for a woman who didn't see him anymore. And this woman was confusing her best friend. " _ Holly crap, Mer… that is new! _" And she left the room thinking that it was so true, Addison Montgomery and Derek Shepherd really didn't need words to hurt each other. They just needed a Meredith Grey.

  
  


***

On risque pas de tenir longtemps  
Tu m'as même comparé à Lucifer  
Maintenant tu bois et tu veux bien de moi  
Nan mais j'hallucine hein /

There's no way we could last long.   
You even compared me to Satan  
and now that you're drinking you finally want me.  
You must be kidding, right?

The first time it happened they both blamed alcohol. The second time, they just kept accusing alcohol. Even on their third time, it was a very convenient excuse. And this excuse kept working for many other times they shared together. But Addison finally realised it wasn't all alcohol. Her burning desire for his ex-husband's new girlfriend wasn't due to alcohol. And that it wasn't fair. They couldn't keep kissing after three drinks. They couldn't keep making love after two more drinks. They could, but it was bad. Addison felt guilty and she didn't like the feeling. Sitting in the attendings room she remembered the first time it happened. She had just came back to Seattle for a quick consult. The day had been weird, working with her ex-husband and her ex-husband's new girlfriend had been quite awkward. Mostly because something was happening with Meredith Grey and there was nothing she could do to prevent it from happening because she wanted it to happen. And it happened. She had been sitting at the bar when Meredith came to join her. The first drink of many had lead to hands on thigh, hands touching soft skin, shy lips brushing, hungry tongs fighting and naked bodies having rough sex. 

One time, then another and it kept happening this way. And both of them kept blaming alcohol. But Addison couldn't take it anymore. She drank straight her cup of coffee and threw it into the sink: she was going to clean up this big mess. "_ Meredith? _ She asked as she saw her on a gurney talking to Cristina and Alex. _ A word? _ " And Grey stood up to follow her, she looked uncomfortable. Protected by the tiny intimacy of the on-call room, Addison fall on the closest bed. " _ Don't you dare acting like you were uncomfortable being around me. _ " Her voice broke. She didn't really know what was happening to her but that hurt. Very much. Meredith's back was lying against the door at a very decent distance from Addison. " _ Why do you only want me when you're drunk? _ " And Meredith remained silent. And a tear started to roll down the ob-gyn's cheek. Why did this woman needed alcohol to desire her? " _ Am I not desirable enough? _" Was the last sentence she managed to say without losing all control over her now shaking body. Meredith didn't say a word but she couldn't bare the vision of this woman crying because of her. So she left. Because Meredith Grey was good at running away.

"_ How were things with Satan? _ " Asked Alex while they were all sitting at the bar. His tone may have been joking but it was a real question. Meredith had joined them after her talk with Montgomery and had remained silent all day long. " _ You shouldn't keep calling her Satan. I mean… we shouldn't call her Satan anymore. I don't call her Satan anymore. _ " And later in the night she just came knocking at Addison's hotel room door. She was sober. " _ You are so more than just desirable, Addison. I don't need alcohol to want you. I need alcohol because I'm scared of what I feel for you." _And Addison didn't need another word, her lips were crashing on the blond's ones. They really couldn't last long without kissing each other. 

  
  


***

Je sais déjà ce que la distance entraîne  
Soit c'est la guerre pendant 10 ans sans trêve  
Soit je la quitte en lui disant  
Garde le sourire plus rien est grave  
Tant qu'il nous reste une seconde de souvenir dans le crâne.   
Nos deux corps pourraient mourir j'ai déjà fait le deuil  
Maintenant pars loin de moi une larme cachée dans l'œil. _ / _

I already know what distance leads to.   
Either it's constantly war for 10 years,  
either I leave her and tell her:  
keep smiling, nothing's important anymore.  
Both our bodies could die my grief is over.   
So now, go away from me, a tear hiding in your eye.

"_ You can't leave. _ She obtained no answer. _ You can't leave me behind. _ Still nothing. _ You left me in the past and then you came back. You turned my all world into a big mess, you made me fall in love with you and now you think you're free to leave again. You just can't leave Addison. This is non-sens. _ " Meredith was sitting on the hotel bed where they were used to meet. Addison had to go back to LA and this time she wasn't able to tell Meredith when she would come back to her. The blond started to cry. She had told Addison she loved her. And they had kept secret their share love. And Derek was sad. Addison had left for Los Angeles after she signed the divorce papers because he wanted to pick Meredith but wasn't brave enough to make it clear. And after she left, he tried to make things working with Meredith, he didn't want another failure. But then it just happened anyway. Addison was back for a quick consult and things changed. Meredith became distant. And Derek kept thinking it was just a coincidence because coincidences happened, right? But everytime Addison would be back in Seattle, Meredith would push him farther. And it didn't work. He told her she wasn't ready to give him what he wanted. And in this hotel room, Meredith though Addison Montgomery wasn't ready to give her what she wanted. But then, she realised the redhead was crying, her hands shaking. " _ I don't want to leave you. _" But it happened, anyway. 

Meredith drove her to the airport. She stayed with her until Addison really had to go. They were sitting in the only calm corner of the airport they had been able to find, sharing their last embrace. Addison could hear her lover's sobbings. There was nothing she could tell her that would make her feel better, she was too well aware of that. Because she just felt as broken as the woman she was in love with. She tried anyway. _ "It doesn't matter we don't know when we’ll see each other again. Because every moment I'll spend without you will be filled by memories of you." _And Meredith smiled a little. Of course, it was a sad one, and those tears in her eyes weren't helping to lighten up her face. But still, it was a smile, because Addison knew her so well, she knew what to tell her and her words went straight to her aching heart. 

But the saddest part happened later, when the speaker taught them Addison needed to go. They were holding hands, as if they did that until the very last moment they could have, nothing would ever tore them apart. Meredith didn't think it was strange, this deep kiss Addison gave her. It wasn't unexpected, that she kissed her with so much passion and love. They were about to be apart and they had no idea how long it would last. So it wasn't weird that Addison kept telling her how much she was in love with her. Meredith finally realised something was wrong. Addison wasn't frankly crying as it had been before. She was fighting not to cry and that was strange. Meredith could see there were tears hiding behind the glasses. "_ Don't wait for me. I mean it, Meredith. Get over me. I won't make you happy. Don't forget me. Just forget we love each other. _" While she was talking she had let go Meredith's hand. Tears were no longer hidden and pure pain was visible on her face. And Addison left her, making her promise she would keep smiling no matter what. 

  
  
***

Bébé serre moi fort que j'oublie que c'est le chaos  
Autour c'est le chaos  
Regarde-nous le destin n'a pas honte  
Les dieux n'ont pas honte /

Hold me tight babe, so I forget this is chaotic,   
around us it's chaotic.  
Look at us, fate has no shame, gods have no shame.

Marc Sloan died. Addison's best friend died. Addison's ex lover died. Lexie died. Meredith's sister died. Both of them were broken. Everything around them was broken. And they couldn't find any comfort while they were apart. They didn't know it but both of them were tossing and turning in their respective bed, in two different states. And one morning Addison jumped into a plane without thinking it twice. It was Marc's funeral after all. She had to be there.

As she entered the living room she saw Meredith silently sitting on the sofa. Everyone was talking around her and she seemed to be miles away from them. It hurt Addison even more to see the woman her heart was still beating for in such a pain. Derek was the first to come to her:

"_ I didn't see you at the funeral. _ It wasn't a reproach. At least the reproach wasn't addressed to her. No, Derek was reproaching himself he hadn't seen his ex-wife even though it had been obvious she would be there. _ How are you doing? _

-_ I could ask you the same. _

_ -I still don't realise he's gone. And that Lexie's gone. This is a lot to process. For everyone. _ Addison saw his eyes looking for Meredith. _ I have no idea how to help her. _"

Their talk was interrupted by Owen who needed to say something to Derek. He apologized to her and left her alone. He may have no idea how to help her. But she did. And she made her way right to Meredith. They didn't share a word, they just hugged each other. They held onto each other because they knew without a word. Addison moved closer to the woman she hadn't seen for too long, the woman she had dreamt of every single night. She didn't say a word when she laid her cheek on her shoulder but Addison knew Meredith was glad she came to her. So she kept her close, a strong grip around her shaking body because all around them was chaotic. Derek came back to see his ex-wife hugging his girlfriend. He wasn't as surprised as everyone thought… even if he tried not to think about it, he knew there was something going on. He knew there were some secrets he didn't know about. And Derek was a good man, so he didn't care if only Addison could make Meredith felt better. It was just a little bit weird when he thought about it. That was the reason why he hadn't been surprised when Meredith didn't join him in their shared bed. But his kindness wasn't limitless and he just thought the two women he had loved and currently loved had spend the night talking about their loss. It couldn't be something more than a weird close friendship, right? 

"_ Look at us… _ " whispered Meredith as she was cuddling against her lover's naked body. " _ This is very ironic that we could be happy to be together again just when my sister and your best friend died. Fate sucks. _" Addison softly giggled: what could she say? The younger woman was right. There was no other explanation possible to their love story than a very naughty god enjoying itself torturing them. But they didn't care, all that mattered at the present moment was that they were there for each other. And they tightened their embrace because their love was the only thing they could hold on to.

  
  


**NA: **This is the end of the first chapter, next one's coming soon (I just have to write two parts and then it's done). I really hope you enjoyed reading this one! 


	2. They were just like magnets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Here is the last part of this fic based on the French song "Trop Beau". I hope you'll like it! And, by the way, sorry for the long delay, those past weeks have been busy as hell!  
Once again I don't own nothing but the idea and this specific writing.

Meiou, there is a very special part I wrote thinking of you. 

J'ai tout foiré cette année c'est toujours en chantier  
Est ce qu'on peut revenir en janvier  
/  
_I screwed up everything this year, it stills a work in progress.  
Could we go back to January? _

"_ I screwed up everything this year. _

_ -Mer, you always say that. _

_ -No… I really screwed up everything." _

Cristina looked at her, concerned. Her best friend had been through a lot and there were days she didn't know how to help her. She knew Meredith didn't blame her for this, because she knew Meredith herself didn't really know what to do. Everything had changed after Lexie died. She remembered how she thought it was weird to see her friend being hugged by Satan on the sofa. And she remembered how Derek didn't seem to bother. Cristina had known Meredith for too long not to know there was something there. Something big. Montgomery had stayed with them for a while, working in Seattle again. She stayed even if she was just a surgeon, not the head of Ob-gyn. Cristina had thought it was weird to stay there when her job was waiting for her in LA. But Montgomery hadn't seem to care that she wasn't chief. She had kept doing her job and above all she had stood by Meredith - which had been, according to Cristina, the weirdest thing she had ever seen. New year's Eve came and Meredith had been on-call for the night, so had been Montgomery. And Cristina had understood everything when she had run into them kissing in the gallery. Of course, Cristina never told Meredith about it. She had thought it was too intimate and fragile to be making fun of. And then it was the end of January and Montgomery had to go. From this moment, Meredith had started to screwed up with things. 

"_ See, I broke up with Derek. I screwed up with my patients. Bailey had been mad at me enough for a lifetime. I stopped talking to my dad even if he is all that I have left now… I broke up with Derek. _

-_ You did _…"

She did. Cristina was sure no one will ever get the chance to forget about that. Derek had been waiting for Meredith in the hall of the ER after a very long day in the middle of February. He had been waiting very nervously because he wanted to ask her to marry him again, in an official way this time. He had wanted to ask her again, right there, in the hospital which had seen their love growing. Everyone had known. Every single person working at the hospital. And everyone had been very happy about it: they all could enjoy happy moments after all those dramas. Meredith had joined him, as absent minded as she had been since Montgomery had left. Everyone had been staring at the couple.

"_ Meredith Grey, I am already the luckiest man on earth since you said yes while we exchanged our post-it notes but I'd like to push my luck even further. I'd like you to say yes a second time. I'd like to really… _

_ -I think I don't love you anymore, Derek. _ Had said Meredith. She hadn't heard a single word he said, Cristina had known she hadn't heard because she hadn't been listening. _ I mean, there's always gonna be a part of me that will be deeply in love with you. You'll never stop being McDreamy, Derek. But I think I don't love you enough anymore. And you deserve someone who chooses you, who absolutely and truly chooses and loves you. And I am so sorry I can't be this someone anymore. I am truly sorry. _"

And then she had noticed everyone had been staring, and then she had realized what had just happened. And whispering her apologies to Derek, she had run away. 

"_ Couldn't we go back to January? _ Whispered Meredith. _ I mean… at least January was good. _" If the blond thought her friend was misunderstanding her desire to go back to this specific month, Cristina understood it very well. She didn't want to go back to January because she would have still been with Derek. Only a stranger would think so. Cristina knew her better, January meant Montgomery… and she thought that, definitely, those people were weird.

***

Son regard me traverse le corps comme une longue aiguille  
On dirait bien qu'on est cuits/  
_ Her look goes through me just like a sharp needle. It seems we've been caught. _

  
  


But a year later, Meredith had been back with Derek several times and had broken with him many times. And a year later Addison came back for a consult, it explained the present situation: the ex-wife, the ex not always ex-girlfriend, and the neurosurgeon all reunited in O.R 2. It was mostly silent, only machines noises were heard. Derek tried to make eye contact but he could tell Meredith was avoiding him. As he stopped working on the brain he turned to see Addison prepared for her C-section : "_ How's LA those days? Are you still with Sam? _ " Meredith raised her head and turned to look the other surgeon. She knew about Sam, Addison had told Derek and Derek had told her. And why would Addison be single? She was an amazing brilliant beautiful woman. And Meredith had been with Derek more than one time so she couldn't say she had stayed single waiting for her lover to come back. Wasn't it the point of a mistress: not being single but still making love to her? She knew about Sam but it didn't mean she wasn't hurt by the thought of Addison's loving someone else. Meredith was so deeply in her own mind she didn't hear Addison. _ "I am sorry to hear that. _, Said Derek trying to be nice.

_ -Don't be. _ Meredith's eyes were stuck on Addison who hadn't given her one single look since she had arrived. _ Sam and I… it wasn't working. He wasn't the one, you know… _" and Meredith felt suddenly better. Not that Addison's disappointment pleased her but she couldn't lie about that: she had been pretty jealous of this Sam, she was just grateful he wasn't in the picture anymore. 

They didn't talk. None of them. Each time Meredith was looking at the redhead she would watch away, not feeling strong enough to resist the urge of kissing her. She had missed her much but she had tried to be reasonable and act like a decent grownup, as she had said to Amelia, who knew of course. Amelia always noticed. Amelia always had even when Derek didn't. Her ex-sister-in-law had first yelled at her, telling her she couldn't be serious, she couldn't have been the lover of her ex-husband, of Amelia's loved brother. But then she had realised it hadn't been all about sex. Well, it had been, at the beginning. But Addison's feelings for the younger woman had grown over the time, and what had just been purely pleasant sex turned into really strong love. And Amelia understood. What she didn't understand was that Addison wanted to put an end to this when she told her to just go confess her undying love to Meredith.

"_ Why are you not looking at me? _ , Is suddenly asking Meredith causing Derek to stop in his way out. _ Tell me. Why would you avoid me? _

_ -Meredith, what are you talking about? -Can we please not do this now? _ Were said at the same time by Derek and Addison.

-_ I think I deserve to know. _ Meredith answered.

Derek made his way back to the both ladies he had been married to: -_ So do I. Addie? Mer? _

But Addison remained silent. She couldn't do it here.

-_ Yeah, Addie, maybe you could explain yourself! _

_ -Shut up, Meredith! We're trying to save a baby here! _"

Therefore they all turned to silent waiting for Addison to be done. It was hard for her to focus, she could feel Meredith's eyes on her. She felt like she was burned by them, it was almost painful how the blond wouldn't take her eyes away from the Ob-Gyn's pale face. Her look went painfully through her skin, her look went painfully under her skin. And Addison felt overwhelmed by her own desire. She needed to feel Meredith's skin under her hands. _ Focus _ she thought as her hands went into the pregnant woman's body. She would give anything to feel Meredith's hot breath against her neck. _ Focus. _

The C-section had went well. She finally managed to focus and there she was, hiding in a supply closet. Hiding from both her ex-husband and her soon-to-be ex-girlfriend. She felt tears filling her eyes as she thought of the soon-to-be ex. She didn't really want it. She didn't want it at all. _ So why are you doing this? _ Had asked Amelia. And to be honest, well, she had no idea. Did she feel guilty? She didn't anymore. Didn't she want Meredith? No, she did want her to be full part of her life. Didn't she love her enough? She was dying of love for this woman. Maybe it was just that. Maybe she was just playing the coward again, running away, fleeing. Was she doing that? 

"_ It can't be true!" _ Meredith was crying as Addison went out of the closet. And Derek saw it all. It was kind of ironic, getting out of the closet. Derek saw it all. Meredith was crying and Addison was trying not to. And Addison was holding her bag as she walked in the corridor trying to get away from all of this. But Meredith came after her, begging her not to go again. _ "I won't come back this time, Meredith. It would be too hard. For both of us. This is for the best _." How could she say such a thing? How could it be for the best when they both would end up miserable? They both knew she would come back. She would be needed for a consult, that was inevitable. Then she would try hard not to see Meredith, because she wouldn't be able to fight her desire. She wouldn't be able not to kiss this woman she loved. Why was she doing that? Because she was scared. She didn't want to get hurt. She didn't want Meredith to hurt her, it was so much easier to hurt herself by running away. So she left. She left while Meredith was crying and everything was finally making sense to Derek. 

He understood it all. What he had thought as a weird close friendship had been so much more than that. He understood it now. He understood the breakups. He understood Addison's knowledge on how to comfort Meredith after the funerals. He understood it all. Some part of him wanted to be mad at the both women he had loved, but he couldn't. Derek was a nice man. And he couldn't be mad at them when they were so deeply in pain. Why was Addison running away? They were in love, for God's sake! Meredith grabbed Addison's wrist and she kissed her. She kissed her deeply with passion, love, anger and sorrow. She kissed her in a way she had never kissed him. She kissed her in such a despair he could feel her pain. But Addison moved back, tears streaming down her cheeks. And she walked away on shaking legs. Meredith fell on the cold floor of the hospital. People were staring. People always were. "_ Don't you have anything else to do? _ " Yelled Derek. It was the last thing Addison heard, she sadly smiled, reassured. Someone would take care of Meredith. That was all that mattered. He took this shivering broken surgeon into his arms. Derek was a good man. He wasn't trying to get her back. He only wanted to be here for his friend. As softly as he could, he brushed her hair, trying to whisper reassuring words. But what could he say? He didn't want to lie to her, saying that everything was going to be fine. So he just told her " _ Cry. Cry as much as you need it. You can rely on me. _ " And she did. When Cristina got out of the OR she went straight to the on-call room where she found her best friend crying in Derek's arms. She sat there, and took Meredith into her own arms. " _ She left me, Cristina. She left me. For good. _" And she bursted into tears again. Cristina and Derek looked at each other over Meredith's shaking shoulders; time would be needed, friends would be needed. And they would be there. Both of them. 

  
  


***

Nous deux dans la même voiture on fonce vers la mort  
On se déteste tellement qu'on refait l'amour  
Parce que c'est comme de la drogue on a de quoi planer  
Sur son dos mon torse fait de l'aquaplaning  
/  
Her and I in the same car we go straight to death,  
we hate each other so much that we make love again.  
Because it's like drug, we get high. My chest is aquaplaning on her back.

  
  


Addison was needed once again for a consult. Sometimes Meredith wondered if Richard wanted Addison on purpose just to make her life harder or if there really were no other doctors capable of what Dr Montgomery was. She had learned at their usual morning meeting Dr Montgomery was coming again. She had seen Cristina and Derek share a scared look, seen them staring at her. Of course they were scared she would get hurt again. But she was confident, she knew she wouldn't get hurt again because she was over it now. She knew it. She was strong. And she didn't care anymore about the redhead. _ "If you say so…" _ was Cristina's answer in the elevator, making Meredith realised she had been taking out loud all this time. Derek softly grabbed her shoulder before she went out. 

"_ I'm going to pick her up at the airport. I just wanted you to know. Is there anything you want me to tell her? _

She considered the offer for a moment. It was almost two years since she last saw her and there were so many things she would like to tell her. She wanted to yell at her, she wanted to yell horrible things, she wanted to ask why did she leave her. And she knew Derek would tell her everything. She knew he would yell at her and tell her she had been such an idiot, he would tell her how bad Meredith had been when she left. He would tell her not to go anywhere near her. He would warn her not to try talking to Meredith.

-_ Let me go to the airport. Let me go pick her up. _ While she said it she realised how dangerous it was to see this woman she hadn't talked to for two years. But she needed to tell things by herself. Derek had been a great friend to her but she couldn't put him between his ex-wife and his ex-girlfriend, this whole situation was weird enough.

-_ Mer… _ tried Cristina. 

She cut her off: -_ I know what you think. I know you think this is insane, that I really should stay away from her, and I will, I promise. But before I do, there are things I need to tell her and only I can do it. You've both been the best friends I could have had after she left and I will never be able to thank you enough for that but please, try to understand that only I can finally put an end to everything. _

Derek nodded in understanding but Cristina shook her head: -** _I_ ** _ know what you think, Mer. I know you think you're over it and that you won't feel anything when you see her again, that you are capable of throwing horrible things to her face because you're mad at her. But you are not, Meredith Grey. And when you see her again at the airport, you will shut up because what else could you possibly do? You loved her Mer and you can think you've convinced us you didn't anymore, but you really are the only one you managed to fool. You still in love with her and I won't let you pick her up at the airport on your own. She destroyed you before and I wouldn't be your best friend if I let you run straight to her again. _"

Meredith understood what her friend told her. But she needed to go by herself. So she told her she wouldn't go to the airport. 

She had lied to her best friends. She had lied to the only friend who had been standing on her side at every important step of her live as a surgery. She had lied to the man she once loved. The man who stood by her even though she, his ex-girlfriend, had been crying for the lost love of his ex-wife. She had lied to them telling she wouldn't go to the airport and here she was, standing in the crowded hall. She saw happy families reunited, she saw a tearful separation of what seemed to be a students couple. She saw parents waving goodbyes to their children going away not to miss their plane. So many feelings, deep, intense and so different from one to another. And then she saw her coming through the crowd. How couldn't she notice her? She hadn't changed, this same gracious way to walk, this same closed and mysterious look. She hadn't changed. Meredith had. She knew it. Addison suddenly stopped in the middle of the crowd causing people to shove her, and Meredith knew she had seen her standing her from a very decent distance. Addison was frozen. Of course she was surprised, she was expecting Derek after all. But there was so more. She was scared, hurt, sad. Her hands were shaking hard. She cleared her throat and made her way through the lover she had left behind. They silently stared to the other, words reasoning in their heads, words stuck in their heads. There was so much they wanted to say but they couldn't. Meredith was afraid. Meredith felt the pain she had tried hard to erase. Addison was sad. Addison felt her heart ache, there were no words she could say that will make Meredith understand her reasons. Herself didn't really understand why she left her behind. She had tried to convince herself it was for the best, they couldn't work, the situation was too difficult to be handle. But the truth was she had been scared of her strong feelings. And Addison had become a runner. Hurt too many times, she had played it safe. She had lost her. She hurt herself even more. Meredith tried to hold back her tears. Addison tried to hold back her tears. There was so much they wanted to say but instead Addison weakly asked:

"_ Something happened to Derek? He told me he would be late but he didn't… _

_ -He doesn't know I'm here. He was still in surgery when I left. _ The awkward silence came back. _ How was your flight? _

Addison poorly laughed: -_ Let us not do that. The awkward talking." _

Meredith would like to ask what she was expecting, but instead she nodded and silently gestured towards the exist.

Meredith was driving, Addison was staring through the window and the radio was off. Meredith couldn't stop thinking about Cristina's last words. Would she fall in love again with her? Had she ever stopped loving her? She slowly shook her head. Cristina was right. Cristina always was. She was her person. She knew it all. And she had seen clear through her. Meredith had fooled no one but her. She was in love with Addison. _ I’m not even sure it’s love. It’s more like I’m attracted to her and there is nothing I can do against it. _If Cristina was there, she would help her. But Cristina wasn’t in the car and she was stuck with this woman she felt a hard desire for because of her stubbornness. 

“_ I… _ ” was the first attempt Addison did to break the very awkward silence. “ _ I didn’t… _ ” God she was bad at it. Meredith barely heard her whispering “ _ I wish I didn’t leave. And I wish you could forgive me for leaving you. _ ” And Meredith slowed down on the empty road, parked the car on the side of the road bordered by trees. Addison stared at her wondering what her ancient lover was doing. Hands shaking, tears rolling down, Meredith was trying hard not to break again. “ _ I had to work so hard to get over you. And you just… you just come back and it’s like I’m drowning. I’m drowning in my love for you. And I don’t even know if I’m still in love with you Addison, because you broke me. I was broken! I don’t know if it’s love but there is nothing I can do against it. I’m attracted to you by this invisible force I can’t fight. And it makes me so angry! Against you, against me, I’m so pissed off! You destroyed my world, I fixed it and you’re just turning it upside down again. _” And she kissed her. She kissed Addison Montgomery because she was doomed anyway. They really were each other’s drug and this thought scared them both.

***

Le problème c'est que ça me rappelle pourquoi je l'aime  
Je revois le début les premières semaines  
On pourrait repartir à zéro  
Et prendre le premier avion comme dans un film de merde  
/  
The problem is it reminds me of why I love her,  
I remember the beginning, the very first weeks.  
Maybe we could go back to the beginning  
and jump into the first plane as if it was a bad movie.

They had arrived late causing everyone to worry about Addison not returning Callie and Derek’s phone calls and about Meredith having disappeared without telling anyone. Of course Derek and Cristina had known. And when Meredith and Addison had finally made their way to the conference room where they were all supposed to meet, Meredith had been welcomed by Derek’s worried look and Cristina’s angry look. She had tried - and succeeded- to avoid their looks for the day, but now, as she was standing in the gallery, staring at Addison and Derek working together in the OR, there was no way she could avoid Cristina anymore. They first remained silent because they didn’t know what to say but Meredith was tired of feeling Cristina’s look on her. 

“_ I know you’re mad. _

\- _ Mer _ . 

_ -And I know what you’re going to say. _

_ -Mer… _

-_ But I needed to go and… _

-_ Shut up your mouth Grey, I’m not going to yell at you because you went to the airport to see your walking poison. _ She sighed. _ I just wished you would have told me you were going anyway. Mer, you should know by now that I’ll stand by you no matter what. _

Meredith realised she had hurt her friend: -_ It’s not that I wasn’t trusting you or anything. Cristina… I was just so unsure. She drives me crazy, I wasn’t thinking clear and I just left the hospital to pick her up. I wasn’t thinking anything. I wasn’t thinking about anything but her. _

-_ And your mind is clearly stuck on her. _ They laughed a bit because Cristina knew it was hard enough for her friend and she wanted to make it as easy as she could, even if there was not much she could do. _ Wanna talk about it? _

_ -She said she regrets. We kissed. Well… she’s be gone by tomorrow, right? So I better not get attached to her again. _

Cristina couldn’t help but answering sarcastically to her friend: -_ That’s a shame you’re already so glued to her… I mean, really Mer? You’ve been staring the whole day. You’ve been doing the Mceyes-fucking with McDreamy’s ex-Mcwife. _

Meredith laughed a little: -_ Should we really get back to the Mcnicknames? _

_-You’re right, they clearly need an update!_ _What do you think of Mcnewfriend? I think it suits Derek. He’s like a little puppy trying to help you. I’m pretty sure he’s still in love with you. Too bad you’re hot for his ex-wife. Mcpoison suits her well. Mcleaver? Mcrunner? _

_ -Really Cristina? Mcrunner? I’d rather go with Mcsexy. _

_ -Mcrunner really beats the game. _ The cardio-surgeon took a look in the OR. _ She’s leaving tomorrow. Will you be okay? _

_ -Sure. You should know she can't affect me. _ Pure sarcasm, of course. _ I can’t fight it. It’s like my body needs her. Or my brain. Both. Horny body and in love brain want her very, very bad.” _

They stopped talking as they hear the constant beeping of the machine. They stood in the gallery, watching how Derek and Addison managed to deal with the collapsing body. They fixed it. They always did. And Meredith stared at the Obgyn while she went through the whole process of her surgery. She knew she would nailed it, she always did. There was nothing Addison Montgomery couldn’t face. And Meredith watched her skinny fingers dancing with a ten blade. She stared at her face: Addison was focus. Her face was closed. She didn’t want to get distracted. And her fingers kept moving with grace. And the surgery was a success. She stared at her from the gallery when she removed her cap and let her hair free. Meredith was staring and couldn’t take her look away from her. She knew why she was in love with her. Addison was gifted. Addison was talented. Addison was Elegance and pure Beauty. Addison was brilliant. And Meredith was in love with Addison. And Meredith went out of the gallery because she didn’t want to cry again. It wasn’t possible. It couldn’t work between them because they were living real lives. And Addison was in Los Angeles and Meredith was in Seattle. And it couldn’t work because no matter how much she was in love with her, she couldn’t take all the pain back. She couldn’t just give up her job and friends here to fly back to LA with Dr Montgomery. Because it was real life. Alone in an on-call room, Meredith let her guard down and she cried. She cried because it was painful. And she was the only one to blame. She went back to Addison, after all… 

***

C'est du délire  
“Garde le sourire plus rien est grave  
Tant qu'il nous reste une seconde de souvenir dans le crâne”  
/  
_It's crazy. “Keep smiling nothing's important  
as long as we still have a second of memories in our head”._

Rainy Seattle. Cloudy Seattle. Filled ER. Saving OR. Killing OR. Patients coming. Patients leaving. Friends laughing. Friends dying. Friends leaving. New friends coming. New sister coming. _ Maggie _ she said. She couldn’t believe it. Ellis Grey and Richard Weber’s daughter. Maggie Pierce. Her sister, she said. And Addison hadn’t come back. And she missed Cristina, every second of every day. Friends leaving. Person flying to Zurich. Alex sat on the couch at her left and Derek sat at her right. She was still surrounded by friends. She had to keep that it mind. 

“_ What a scene. With Pierce… _ Alex said it awkwardly because he didn’t know if he was allowed to mention it. But Meredith nodded and he carried on. _ Do you have any idea about what you want to do with her? _

-_ Lexie was my sister. _

_ -I think we might give her a chance. _

She stared at Derek, her left eyebrow raising: -_ We? I don’t remember she ever mentioned any of you in the family tree. _

Alex and Derek shared a laugh. It was quite rare, Meredith had to admit. They didn’t get along most of the time. But she was there, so were they: -_ I’m pretty sure what Derek’s trying to say is: no matter what you decide, Mer, we’ll be there to support you. And that he thinks maybe she deserves a chance because she just came here without any idea of how messy your life is. _

Meredith threw a pillow to his face: -_ Thank you Alex, I really needed that. _ But she was smiling. _ Cristina said the same. _

_ -Good to know that you only trust us when Cristina agrees with us. _ Derek was nicely mocking her. 

-_ You know it’s not what I meant! _ She remained silent for a second. _ It is really crazy… _”

It was, they couldn’t deny it. It was all crazy. And she missed Cristina. And Addison. Addison was always helpful when Meredith didn’t know what to do. At least, she had been when they were… well. When they were what they were. A sister. She had a sister. Another secret sister. Her father and then her mother… Would she ever stop discovering new siblings? Because it really was a lot to deal with and she wasn’t sure she would be able to take anymore of it. So she gave Maggie a chance. It was hard, awkward sometimes. But she learned to know her. And it made its own way. She had a sister, after all. And she couldn’t do the same mistakes she did with Lexie. This was all crazy. And sometimes, Meredith felt like she was losing her way. She felt like she couldn’t handle everything. Cristina was gone. Alex was great. Derek was great. But Cristina was gone. And she needed her person. This is why she bursted into tears one day. Saying she needed a person. She needed Cristina. But she also needed Addison. Cristina had left, why wouldn’t she? She kept thinking about that for weeks. But everytime she would go home, she would find Derek cooking in the kitchen, or Alex waiting for he with beers and pizza, sometimes he would bring Jo and they would be waiting for her playing to monopoly, or she would find Maggie sat on the couch wanting to talk with her, Derek’s sister would also come at some point just to talk. And everytime she would go home and see all those people carrying and surrounding her, she would just think leaving was a terrible idea. And everytime she would be missing Addison, she would think of her words when she left her at the airport. Every moment would be filled with memories of her. Therefore, Meredith kept smiling. Everything was okay since she still had a second of memories in her head. And she had so more than just a second. Everything would be okay, no matter how much she would miss Addison. No matter how much she would miss Cristina. Everything would be okay, because memories of them would fill every moment of her life. 

  
  


***

Nos deux corps pourraient mourir j'ai déjà fait le deuil  
Maintenant pars loin de moi une larme cachée dans l'œil  
Notre histoire n'aurait jamais pu finir dans le calme et la tendresse  
Je te déteste comme cette phrase qui dit c'était trop beau pour être vrai  
Je n'avouerai jamais que certaines de mes propres émotions m'effraient  
Je te déteste comme cette phrase qui dit c'était trop beau pour être vrai  
/   
_Both our bodies could die my grief is over. So now, go away from me, __  
__a tear hiding in your eye.  
_ Our story could have never ended calmly and with love,  
I hate you just like this adage saying it's too beautiful to be true.  
I will never admit that some of my feelings scares me.  
I hate you just like that sentence saying it's too beautiful to be true.

But memories weren’t everything and loneliness was heavy. Alex had moved in with Jo and had been planning their wedding day - even if it was rather April’s role. Derek had flight back to New-York for his trial and had never came back from there. Cristina was still in Zurich. Callie had left for New-York and Arizona was thinking about going there too, so they could try again together and be there for their daughter, in the same state. April had been thinking to give up on the pressure of the hospital, without even noticing it. Her father had died. New interns, new residents, new attendings. New faces, new people. New friends, for sure. New loss, also. Because people always left her or died, right? Why would it be any different now? She felt lonely and it was heavy. As she came home at night this evening and found out no one was waiting for her, the thought came again. This thought. People had left her, people had left Seattle. Why couldn’t she? And everytime she would come at night to this empty family house, the thought would rush into her mind. 

“_ Tell me what’s wrong. _ ” Alex’s voice brought her back to earth. She told him there was nothing, that everything was fine and he really was worried for nothing. But he knew her better and sat silently by her side, waiting for her to open up to her oldest friend in this hospital. Meredith remained silent for a while, focusing on her inner thoughts. He stared at her, concerned. His best friend seemed to be fighting a battle in her mind and if she didn’t tell him what was her dilemma, he was helpless. And Alex hated that. He needed to know his friend was doing fine. He couldn’t bare the idea of her being down again. They had been through so many things together. They had survived to grief, loss, growing. They had survived to death. Alex thought Meredith had turned him into a better person. It was undeniable. But what Alex didn’t think of was that he had also turned her into a better person. He had been her rock when she needed one. He had been her support, her conscience, the shoulder she had cried on when she needed to - not that it had happened a lot, Meredith wasn’t used to cry, she better drowned herself into tequila and die on the bathroom floor the morning after - the person she had relied on ever since they became friends. Alex thought he owed Meredith much. Truth was they were both here for each other. They needed each other. Maybe Alex hadn’t realised that yet, but Meredith had. Alex, and only Alex, was keeping her from leaving. “ _ I’ll stay there as long as you need. You know that. _ ” Alex had known Meredith for years. He also knew Cristina may be her person, he was her Alex. The thought turned his lips into a smile. He missed her. He missed them all. George, Izzie, Cristina. He missed their first years as interns. Intense years, hard years, but they all had so much fun. He had been a jerk, at first. He knew it. But he became better. Coming to what was still Seattle Grace, he had discovered friendship. And there, he had won more than just friends. He had won a family. Family, that had been broken more than one time. He missed them all. George, Izzie, Cristina. He missed the nights at Joe’s. He missed the girls’ tequila problem (Cristina had once said that, definitely, it wasn’t oestrogen). He missed the sleepovers at Meredith’s house, their place, their home. He missed the Mc-nicknames. He missed the fun they had, the five of them. “ _ Seems I’m not the only one feeling blue tonight _.” Meredith softly smiled to him. But he saw right through the smile. He saw the pain, the sorrow, the lack. And he understood. She was feeling lonely. She missed them all too. George, Izzie, Cristina. The Mc-nicknames. The time where Bailey was still called “the Nazi” but still, was feeling affection for them. 

“_ There is something I miss, I’m sure you don’t. 20 dollars I’m right. _

She smiled at him, remembering their old bets. Remembering how many times he had won and lost with Cristina: -_ Deal. _

_ -The love triangle between McDreamy, the slutty intern and Satan. _ He knew it was a bold move. He knew it could hurt her, being reminded of the friend who left and never came back and the woman she had never stopped loving even after all those years without seeing her. He knew it was risky. But he had to do that, because he was Alex Karev and he knew Meredith Grey by heart. And humour was sometimes the only way to lead her to confess. It was a bold move and maybe she would get hurt and maybe she would cry or maybe she would become cold and distant. But he had to try. Because he wouldn’t be her best friend if he just stared at her without trying. 

But she just laughed with a deep and sincere laugh. A laugh he wished he could have heard more often those past months. -_ I can’t believe I’m losing 20 dollars on that! _ Her laugh faded. _ I don’t miss the love triangle, for sure. But god Alex… I miss this time. I miss it hard. After everything that happened… I thought I would be strong enough with you and Cristina by my side. And it worked. You were both incredible supports. But then… _

_ -Then Cristina left us. I know. It’s like a part of you is missing. It’s like you’re empty. _

She nodded, feeling relieved he got her that well: -_ Lately, I’ve been feeling like the empty part in me was growing. Everyone’s leaving, everyone’s dying, everyone’s changing. And I’m scared, Alex. I am so fucking scared. I’m afraid that I can’t stay here anymore. Because everything seems so heavy you know. Every room, every corridor, every place in this hospital just reminds me everyday of the people who disappeared from my life and I can’t take it anymore. But I can’t leave you behind. I can’t lose you too. You are my family, Alex. You are all I have left now. I can’t lose you too, I wouldn’t survive this. _

_ -But you have to go. _ He just said, understanding her better than she could have hopped. _ You have to leave because you can’t just perish here. You can’t get all dark and twisty again. I won’t let this happen. And if it means I have to let you go, if it means that we’ll just see each other for birthdays, thanksgiving, Christmas or special events, I don’t care. I want you to be fine and you’re not fine here. And maybe it will take a while before you’ll be fine someplace else. Because you will feel like you left me behind. And maybe a part of you will feel broken and maybe it will be broken. But you will have the possibility to start over. And I won’t dump you or anything, because I’m a part of you and you are stuck with me no matter what, do you hear me? You are my support, you are my rock, you are my family. Cristina may be your person but I’m your Alex. And I’ll always be your Alex, here in Seattle, or there in LA. _

_ -I… _

_ -Don’t say anything Mer. We both know this is how it is going to end. You have to try. You have to give her one last chance or you will just feel miserable for the rest of your life and I told you I don’t want that for you. Cristina’s right, Mer. You are the sun. But you are hidden by clouds. Send them away. Find your way out of the dark. Find your way back to Addison. _ Meredith tried to say something but he made her kept silent with a hand gesture. _ I know. I know you don’t need someone to be happy. You don’t need a woman or a man. You are strong by yourself. You are talented by yourself. You are amazing by yourself. You don’t need anyone to shine. But you’re still in love with her Mer. And not trying one last time? It would lead to bitter regrets, endless questions. And you won’t be happy. You won’t be happy not because you needed Addison to be happy, but because you need to try. Because the Meredith I know is a kick ass fighter who never gives up unless she tried everything. This is how you can be happy. I love you Meredith. And I will still love you even if you’re not around. I’m gonna miss you like hell but we won’t fall apart. Because we are too important to each other. This is my promise to you. I, Alex Karev, swear to you, Meredith Grey, that we won’t fall apart even if we live in different states. I’ll miss my best friend. I’ll miss this part of me. Everyday I’ll be thinking about you and about how much I miss you. And maybe you will too. But this is just life Mer. And you have to move on. And I’ll be there. I swear I’ll always be your rock and you’ll alway be mine because we are too deeply involved in this. _”

And Meredith didn’t really know what to say. Alex took a deep breath, sniffling. The noise of their sobs filled the empty locker and they stayed on the bench, Meredith’s head resting on Alex’s shoulder. He whispered to her that it will be okay. That they will be okay. And she nodded, drawing him into a hug. She needed this hug. She needed to hug Alex. 

\---

_ My dear Alex, _

_ There is not much I can write. No need to say goodbye, you told me that. No need to say goodbye, because I’ll come back. And you’ll come to see me. Phone calls, texts, anything. Phone calls every twice a week, this is Cristina’s rule. This is a good rule. Call me when you need me. No need to say goodbye, really. Our world is tumbling down but we’ll be just fine. We’ll be damaged at first and I’ll always miss you. And I’ll never be fully happy because I couldn’t be fully happy without you and Cristina by my side. I can’t be fully happy without my person and my best friend. But I, Meredith Grey, swear to you, Alex Karev, that I’ll do my best to be as happy as I can be with this empty part in my heart. _

_ I may be Cristina’s sun, but I wouldn’t be shining without you. You are my personal sun, Alex. You will always be my rock and I’ll always be yours. _

_ It is not a goodbye, just a “see you later”. _

_ Your Meredith. _

He found her letter in his locker two weeks after their conversation. He had dropped her to the airport sooner in the morning. Alex felt his heart aching. Knowing it was for the best didn’t make it any easier. He just lost his best friend physical presence. Alex Karev was a lot of thing but a public cryer? Really, he wasn’t used to that. But holding Meredith’s letter in his hand, he couldn’t fight his tears. Jo put her hand on his back and softly caressed him. She knew there was not much she could do because Meredith was going away from him, and she couldn’t do anything against this tears in his eyes.

\---

She had to admit she had mixed feelings about this whole situation. To be honest, she started thinking about that when she had finally stopped crying. And Meredith hadn’t stopped crying before she put a foot in the arrival area of the Los Angeles International Airport. She was the one leaving, but it felt just as bad as when she had been the one who was leaving. Cristina had left her and now she had left Alex. She had been hurt by Cristina’s departure and she was now hurt by her own. And Cristina had been hurt when she had left Meredith in Seattle and now, Alex was hurt in Seattle because Meredith had left him. She sat on the floor, crying again. Cristina, Alex. She already knew the pain would never go away. She had learnt it, it was rough, it was harsh but it was real. 

She spent a few minutes on the floor without paying attention to people staring at her. A little boy had come to her with his teddy bear and had asked her if she wanted his bear to hug her because his bear was really good to erase sadness. She had smiled at him, telling him he was very nice. She got up on her feet again and took a deep breath. She really had mixed feelings about this whole situation. And Meredith laughed finally realising what she had done. She had left Seattle to go to Los Angeles. Lie. She had left Seattle to come back to Addison. Because Alex was right, she had to try one last time. And it was scary, absolutely terrifying but she wouldn’t admit it, Meredith Grey had decided to have pride again, since all of this was about starting over. She hated Addison. She loved Addison. She clearly had mixed feelings. As she walked through the streets of Los Angeles and enjoyed the sun, she kept playing scenes in her head. She hadn’t really had time to think about details and she was no mentally blaming herself for having thought thinking about how she would go to meet Addison was a detail… But there had been the talk with Alex, and the sleepless nights that had followed, then the talk with Richard and then it had been the time to pack up her things and leave. But clearly, she should have thought about it better. Sun was good. She felt her phone vibrating in her pocket and read the text from Cristina: “Clearly, you should have thought about it, Mer.” Meredith smiled, she knew her too well. New text again: “I mean… I can easily guess your unconscious plan is to randomly meet Satan in a bar but come on, you really need a proper plan.” 

She had arrived in LA three days ago, finding a flat hadn’t been as hard as she thought it would be. A new part of her challenge was about to happen: she had to go to the hospital Richard managed to get her a job. She had to go working in a place she didn’t know, in a place she didn’t know anyone. She had grown in Seattle Grace, she knew it by heart. There, she was lost. The first day went well. The first week too. And soon, the first month was over. Cristina and Alex had been bombarding her with texts and phone calls but Meredith didn’t feel brave enough to face Addison again. So she went to the bar she had noticed near the hospital. She went to the bar and drank tequila, alone. “_ Well, isn’t it sad to see such a beautiful woman drinking alone at the bar? _

-_ Not interested _.” Was her only answer. And surprisingly, it was enough. One drink, then a second, and a third. And she kept playing the images of the first times she kissed Addison at Joe’s. They had blamed alcohol because it had been easy, at the time. But Meredith hadn’t need alcohol to desire Addison. Drinking alone at the bar, she took a look at those past years. So many things had changed, so much that it was even hard to believe. One drink later, she felt thankful not to live far away from the hospital and the bar. Morning was hard. Harder than she thought it would be. Meredith had been requested for a consult, Richard had told her to go there because he owed a favour to someone. To be fair, she hadn’t really understood what he had told her. Alcohol didn’t always make things easier. 

\---

They were staring at each others in the conference room of the practice. Meredith could feel rage burning inside her. She wasn’t only mad at Addison for having requested her. She wasn’t only mad at her for not noticing she had been requested by Addison’s practice. She was also mad at Richard. He had to know and he made it possible. It was not fair. Meredith wasn’t ready. If she had been then she would have went to Addison by herself. She wasn’t ready. And to be honest, she had thought she would never be. Someone was talking, she couldn’t remember his name. She wasn’t paying any attention anyway. Her eyes were fixed on the woman she hadn’t seen for years. Three years. And three years was a long time. If Meredith had mixed feelings at the airport, she was really starting to think coming here hadn’t been her best idea. Three years was a long time and so many things could have happened during those three years. Addison could have met someone, got married, had a baby… Addison could not love her anymore. What was she thinking? People changed. People moved on. Addison had to have changed. Addison had to have moved on. The man introduced her to the people of the team she didn’t know, or to the people she didn’t remember. He gestured towards Addison: “_ Dr. Montgomery, I think you’ve worked a lot with Dr. Grey in the past. Would you mind updating her for the consult? _” Addison was frozen. Her friends and coworkers stared at her, half-worried, half-surprised. She couldn’t move and she couldn’t answer. At this very moment, Meredith started to think that maybe it wasn’t Addison’s fault if they were facing each other in this conference room. She seemed as taken aback as she was herself. 

“_ I…” _ People was waiting for Addison to finish her sentence but she couldn’t. Emotion was intense. Picturing yourself facing the person you had loved, left behind and not seen for years was completely different than facing this person in the flesh. She could feel her legs shaking. Her stomach was painful. Her heart was feeling too tight in her chest, beating too fast. Maybe she should have eaten something in the morning… Her vision was blurred until the moment everything was black. She just couldn’t see. She threw her left arms behind her, trying to reach someone. Meredith was standing in the other side of the room and just looked at Addison Montgomery fallen into someone’s arms. “ _ I can’t see _ .” Was all Addison said, trying to calm herself and it hurt Meredith seeing her like that. She made her way through her. Meredith crouched down in front of her, her left hand resting on Addison’s thigh. “ _ I’d like to say it’s good to see you too, but you’re kind of turning it into a joke right now, thank you for making me sound that fun! _” Addison laughed to Meredith’s sentence. And Meredith couldn’t believed she managed to do humour. She was mad at Addison! She was mad at her. She had thought she was. Maybe she had overcome the bitterness. Maybe she had had enough time to deal with what happened. Now was not the time for those questions. Meredith stared at Addison trying to catch her breath. Clearly, their story could have never ended calmly. 

After her consult, Meredith went straight to Dr. Montgomery’s office. People had been whispering on her way, staring at her. Maybe they were wondering who she was. Maybe they knew about the whole Shepherd-Montgomery-Grey history. Maybe they were whispering about Ellis Grey’s daughter, maybe it was because of her Harper Avery. She didn’t know and she didn’t care. She timidly knocked on the door and came on in. Addison was sitting at her desk, doing paperwork, she gave Meredith a shy smile.

“_ Hi… _

_ -It’s good to see your vision’s back. _ Meredith smiled as she closed the door behind her. Silence filled the room. They kept staring uncomfortable. _ Three years is… a long time. _

_ -I still can’t believe you are really here. I mean… working in LA. It’s just… I never thought you would leave Seattle. _

_ -Cristina left for Zurich. _

_ -I’ve heard that, yes. _ Addison looked at her. _ I never… I meant it but I never did it. I wanted to. Really wanted to but I didn’t know if you would ever want to hear anything from me again so I just… I was scared and I did nothing. Anyway, I’m just stumbling and making myself ridiculous. I… I just wanted to congratulate you, Meredith, for the Harper Avery. It’s just… I never doubt you would be as talented as you are today. I just… _

But she stopped talking again. She didn’t really know what to say. She would like to tell her so many things but Meredith certainly didn’t want to hear them. And she didn’t know how to say them, anyway: -_ Who’s that baby? _Asked Meredith referring to the picture on the desk. If she had tried to keep her tone neutral, Addison could swear she heard fear in the question. 

She smiled and looked down, trying to avoid Meredith’s eyes: -_ That’s Henry. He is my son. _ Meredith clenched her jaw. It couldn’t have been different. _ I fostered him because, you know… I really wanted to have children but it turned out I couldn’t. So I fostered him and I’m fighting with this little demon. It can be hard, at some point. I mean, I love him so much I could die but… anyway. How are you doing? _

-_ Why am I here, Addison? _ The question came without she could think about it. It appeared she just needed to ask. 

Addison kept her eyes down: -_ Well… I knew you were in town but I couldn’t do it. You know, calling you after all the pain I caused you. Derek is the one who told me. Actually, he’s the one who told me everything, not just the fact you were in LA but also all the pain you have been put through because of me. I was… I was so sorry and I really hoped somehow, you could forgive me. But I couldn’t just call you, not after everything I did to you. _

_ -So you asked Richard. _

Addison had a little laugh: -_ Well, Derek owed me a favour and Richard owed him one. So I guess I had Derek asking Richard to send you to the practice. _ She suddenly seemed embarrassed. _ Well, now that I’m saying that out loud I realise how creepy it might sound. _

Meredith shared a laugh for a moment before her eyes went back to the frame: -_ So… I just don’t know how to ask but… I have to ask. So, I ask and you answer and we go from there, okay? Just like we did before, remember? _

And they both shared a smile, feeling suddenly nostalgic: -_ Okay. _

_ -Have you moved on? I mean, with someone else? _”

And first, there was no answer. 

  
  


Laid on her bed, Meredith couldn’t stop thinking about it. She didn’t get much sleep that night, she kept tossing and turning in her bed, trying to figure out what she had to do. What she was allowed to think. Allowed to feel. And she suddenly felt anxious. “_ You reached Cristina Yang’s voicemail _ , _ please leave a message _ ”. She waited for the bip. “ _ Well. You told me I should find a better plan. A conscious one. A planned one. Well. I didn’t have to. I didn’t run into Addison at some random bar. I just ran into her in a conference room which happened to be her practice conference room. Yeah. I know what you’re gonna say, that it is the most cliché way it could have happened. Anyway, she has a son. Henry. And she is single. And she kissed me. And I don’t know what to do because you know… You know I’m still in love with her. We both know I went to LA to find her. Because I needed to try one last time. And she kissed me. I’m afraid, Cristina. Really, really afraid. Afraid like when you left me for Zurich and when I left Alex for LA. Wait no… I’m way more afraid than that. It’s just like… you know I love her. But some part of me still hates her. I mean… I think. I am so confused right now. She kissed me. _ ” Meredith stared at the ceiling. She had her pride so she tried not to think about it. But it wasn’t just confusion. She was scared to death because right now, it may actually be the right time. Because it may finally happen. And what if she messed up? What if it didn’t work? And there was Henry. Was she even ready to let a kid enter her life? Would Addison even want her to be a part of her son’s life? It was just too beautiful to be real. But she kissed her, right? And Meredith didn’t sleep that night but when she showed up to the practice in the morning she didn’t care about being scared. She had made up her mind but before she entered her office, she took her phone. "_It may be too beautiful to be true, Alex, but I think I did it right. Thank you. I couldn't have done it without you_."

**-The End -**

**NA: **Here it is! I really hope you enjoyed the reading, I would be very glad if you let me know. Once again, I apologize if there still some mistakes there, I'm not an English speaker and I do hope it didn't spoil the pleasure of the reading!


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